But I know now that I never truly could be a part of it because it wasn't happening to me. I couldn't feel what they were feeling. Deep down there really is no idea how to FEEL the experience others are going through and truthfully, you have no idea…. Unless it happens to you.
I write this article with a completely different approach to what is generally found on Strengthcoach.com. I wanted to share a message that I hope will strike a chord with many who frequent the site. Most are blessed to work with professional athletes or individuals who have a strong driven path towards their goals. But some will be touched by a client who is dealing with a deep level of sadness and grief that we simply cannot understand. How do we know we are doing the best we can to help our client?
November 3, 2015 my husband tragically passed away from a heart attack.
18 days after his 46th birthday. My husband led an active, healthy lifestyle. He was strong & had no family history of heart disease. With myself being in the Strength & Conditioning industry, I didn't allow my husband to lead a crappy lifestyle! We never could have imagined this would happen to him. The day my husband died, I felt like I died along with him.
The grieving process is different for everyone but I only know my own grief. I wanted to share my experiences because prior to any of this happening I know I would have reacted in a completely different way if it was a client going through losing a spouse. What words do you say and what is appropriate?
Here is just some of the journey:
1- Don't ask me how I'm doing
As the days go by this has become one of the most frustrating questions I receive daily. I am doing horribly but explaining the real truth to most people feels uncomfortable and another reminder of the grief. It was becoming exhausting to fake the smiles and act like everything was OK just to make others feel comfortable. The question became awkward. Replace it with “it is nice to see you”. That is a comment that can bring a genuine smile.
2- Don't ask me if I've eaten
Within the first week I had everyone trying to force feed me and text me about my breakfast, lunch and dinner. The grieving process can be tough on the appetite but nothing is done on purpose. The first two weeks I felt nauseous thinking about food. I had no appetite and the thought of eating made me feel like I was accepting my husband's death. I couldn't accept this was happening and there was tremendous guilt if I ate. It was uncontrollable. I just couldn't eat! Slowly I started to eat small portions or shakes but it took a long time to get back to a normal eating pattern. None of this was done on purpose. Grief can become debilitating on many levels.
It is a process and one that cannot be forced.
3- Don't force me to get out because it will make me feel better
Anxiety was deep for the first few months and the events of my husband's death was very traumatic. I needed time alone to grieve and deal with emotions I knew nothing about. For me, alone time was important. I had people who tried to force me out of my home for visits or wanted to come to me. It was simply too much for me to handle. I needed to allow myself to process everything. I felt like I had to entertain people if they came into my home and carrying on a conversation was impossible. I also felt it was forcing me away from the grieving process.
Sometimes, just let them be!
4- Do not force decisions
The best advice I was given was to not make any big decisions for at least the first year. Life is based on crying and immediately transitioning into a zombie like shock. At times I thought I was thinking clearly and was about to make major decisions. 4 months after, I look back and am so thankful I received that advice. These consisted of financial decisions to simple things like emptying his sock drawer. In time we will make these decisions when it is right for us which may avoid heartbreaking regret down the road. Allow the client to make decisions when the time is right for them!
5- My journey in fitness may change
For all you know, your dedicated client may decide they want to try a different route in their journey of health. Maybe your hard core running or lifting client will want to take up yoga or meditation. Maybe your athlete may decide life is too short and now only wants to train for pure enjoyment instead of trying to win the championship. Your perspective on what is important will change and that is OK. Allow the client to experience that new journey, they may return right back where they left off a year down the road.
6. Survivors guilt is real
There is so much regret and sadness that my husband is missing out on life and watching our two sons as they grow into adults. Regret of red flags I now recognize that my husband experienced and sadness that his life was cut short. I realize I cannot do anything about this, it is a sadness I cannot control but it is real. It is also another level of grieving that needs to be dealt with. Telling me to stop feeling that way does nothing to help me move forward and it only frustrates and releases anger. I will learn to manage these emotions but please allow myself to do so instead of sweeping them under the rug.
7. Let me cry!
Tears are healing! Be prepared for them to arrive at any moment! It is OK to cry!
I stress, I am only writing about my own grief and you may run into a potentially harmful situation with a grieving client that needs to be addressed. That is outside of the scope of this article. I am simply addressing what I believe may help someone in my similar situation. If it brings a heartfelt smile to the clients face, you have done well!